Category: Relationships

A Compromise Is A Lose Lose Situation.

In order to understand this argument you must understand the context. The definition of a compromise is, an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. Remember those last few words each side making concessions. We often think of a compromise as a win win. We’ll make a halfhearted attempt to hopefully satisfy our counterparts request at our own expense. Partially given up something we want, while they partially give up the full sum of what they’re asking for. In doing so, we both compromise, and now we think everyone is happy. But that line of thinking is just simply wrong. Both parties just lost. Neither you or your counterpart fully got what you wanted. So in order to reach a compromise both parties must give up something. They have to sacrifice what they truly wanted for a much lessor and often worse outcome. This situation can easily cause resentment to build from one or both parties. Especially when you constantly feel like you’re losing.

Fully given in to another individual’s request or having another person fully give in to yours, is no compromise either. However that is at least a win lose proposition. Which at least one person comes out the victor. This is far better than both parties losing. Yet this is how we operate throughout most of our lives. We’ll compromise happiness for a paycheck. In order to get that paycheck, we’ll compromise what we truly want to do in life. We’ll compromise our standards if another shows the slightest bit of interest in us. We’ll compromise where we live, what we do, who we’re with, what we buy, how we eat, all for this ever elusive sense of a win win proposition. It’s just simply doesn’t exist.

We need to start negotiating our wins. Do the work you want, live where you want and how you want to live. Find a person who shares the same values as you and who will support you no matter what and will not try to change you. Because a clear sign of wanting different things out of life is how often the two of you have to make compromises. If it’s constant, than you both are constantly fighting a losing battle. And in battle when a location is compromised it’s time to get the hell out of there. Same thing goes in the real world, when you are consistently being compromised, you just might want to ask yourself if it’s your time to get the hell out.


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Or As I Like To Call It, Just Being An Asshole.

First off why would you want to advocate for the Devil? In mythological terms the Devil is the personification of pure evil. And to advocate is to publicly recommend or support actions. So in playing devil’s advocate you are publicly recommending and or supporting acts of pure evil. I know that’s not the intention when friends tell you they are simply playing devil’s advocate, but no matter how you write it off, you often times seem like a complete asshole.

We all have the friend that love’s to play the “what if” game. Or they love to run through worst case scenarios with you, till they’re blue in the face. You tell them your goals and dreams and they’ll begin to crap all over them. What if you fail? What if you fall flat on your face? What if you lose everything? They will then follow it up with a laundry list of all the potentialities of failure and risk. Everything negative standing in your way of success. My answer to them is so what. Yes bad things can happen and they probably will, at least we’re continually working towards a better future. Can they say the same? These people, who often times you want to remove from your life, are sometimes some of the most valuable contributors. They are usually the first test and the first barrier you have to break through in making your dreams a reality. Hopefully making you and your convictions stronger in the process. Get through these naysayers and you’ll be all the better for it. Give up and the devil has won.

If they are truly negative people all the time, completely remove them from your life. Otherwise your journey will be like that of Sisyphus, constantly rolling a large bolder up hill, only to watch it fall down to the ground when you near the top. Imagine repeating that day in and day out for the rest of your life. Remove negativity. It’s important to know the road to success is paved with obstacles and challenges all through out. Devils advocates are just a few trolls along the path, taking their toll. Pay it and move on. For they are the misfortune ones who gave up on their dreams long ago.



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A Failure Of The Heart.

My uncle recently dispelled some powerful knowledge to me. Knowledge he once received from a therapist. That therapist said, “the person who wants a relationship the least, holds all the power.” What a profoundly truthful statement that is, sad but true. We often think if we give another our all, nothing could ever possibly go wrong, that love will be reciprocated and we’ll all live happily ever after. And sometimes this is the case but quite often it’s not. However don’t go sheltering yourself just because the possibility of failure looms.

Relationships need balance. It takes two giving their all and when both parties agree to this, you have the makings of incredible life partner. Other times a relationship may fall out of balance and when they do their are a few options you can implement in the hopes of restoration. Some of you may not like these options but they often work. There is a lesson in sociology that I once learned while taking a course titled interpersonal relationships. This sociology lesson is somewhat of a relationship guide called the Telly Line. The Telly Line is an imaginary line that’s between both parties in all relationships. It’s the line that dictates the balance between the two. When you are both directly on the line across from each other you are in perfect harmony, a symbol of love, respect and happiness. However it starts to get interesting once that balance is removed and one of the participants moves away from the line. The one who moved away, now holds all the power. But understanding this we can make adjustments and correct the imbalance. When a loved one moves away from you on the line, your heart may tell you to keep pushing forward, push harder, stay after that person, get even closer to the Telly Line. But psychology tells us otherwise. This often pushes them further away. Now depending on how far removed one is from the Telly Line, there is one option, the other can begin coarse correction by pulling away themselves. This not only restores balance when you move further away, it may also draw your counterpart back closer to the line.

However sometimes in life some are so far removed that their is no coming back. That’s a rare case and when those happen we just have to let that person go. Relationships constantly ebb and flow there’s always a give and take. Knowing that the Telly Line exist can help you when you feel the need for a relationship adjustment. Just don’t go playing games with someone’s heart with this information because such a thing would be truly heartless. Just find the right balance and you’ll have a happy, healthy, loving life together.

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There’s Also Moments In Time When They Are Not Exclusive.

And when that happens, bask in it’s glow. For you are one of the lucky ones. My wife left me yesterday and I feel it might be cathartic to write about it. I did everything I could to try to make her happy. Sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. But it was all going to be worth it. We were going to have a successful marriage. At least that’s what I thought. I was truly willing sacrifice everything, even if that meant my own happiness, just to insure success in our marriage. I quit drinking, went to church on Sundays with her (I’m not a church go’er and never have been), listened better, got a better career for her. One that could support her aspirations and a family. I changed everything about me for her and it still didn’t change our outcome.

My happiness was on the chopping block and I was fine with that. Nothing was more important to me then our future together. Once apart, I immediately realized it was a selfish goal. One that I (key word being “I”) focused intently changing. But sometimes that’s the problem. You can not control another persons emotions. You can change yourself until the cows come home but that does not mean you can change another. And I realized that the moment she walked out the door. Her happiness was more important then the success of our marriage. And the fact that she was unhappy showed me the utter failure of my selfish ambitions. We shouldn’t try to “make” someone else happy. It’s their own emotions to control. What makes you happy and what makes you successful are sometimes on opposite ends of the spectrum, are you willing to give up everything in order to achieve one or the other. They’re not always mutually exclusive. And when they work in tandem, watch out. Life is grand, and you have the world at your feet.

When we first met we were both happy and successful and I took those moment for granted. I thought nothing would ever change. I became compliant and neglectful. Why work when everything was going so well? Success of our relationship began to falter. Then it failed. And when it did, happiness came crashing down with it. So I tried to sacrifice one for the other. A plea bargain was made, I would continue to be unhappy if it meant insuring the success of our marriage. Neither of which worked. Little did I know she was unhappy too. She never talked about it, just harbored this silent resentment. So it was surprising to find out we were both unhappy, which then lead to us both to being unsuccessful in marriage. Only 3 and half years and it was given up on so easily.

I planned my life around this person. And it failed. But my failure is an opportunity to improve. Watch for the warning signs that I was blissfully unaware of. Constantly on their phone, complete disregard for you in each others presents, a new career, close attention to their appearance, loss of weight, avoidance of talking about your future together. That’s just a list of what I’m aware of. There is probably a ton of other things that eluded my perception.

My point is don’t try to be something your not. The person you were when you first met is the person they fell in love with. We change and we grow, sometimes we grow apart. Nothing wrong with that. Just know that it could happen, be cognizant of it, don’t stay blissfully ignorant, don’t be neglectful. Just be authentically you and if that’s not good enough, it simply was never meant to be.



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